woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
