I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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