can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
