I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
