the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
