We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
