my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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