I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
