What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
