how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
