I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
handjob tips. give me some.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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