Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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