Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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