I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
