I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
