The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
