If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
