im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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