dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
