Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
