You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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