He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
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FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
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I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?