I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*