If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The struggles of a small town man whore
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
