the condom got lost in my hair
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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