I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
