I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
