Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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