its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
