Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
3 2 1 whiskey
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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