God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
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I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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