Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Everclear isn't food dammit
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize