I got chris browned last night
Umm I'm too high to move.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
