i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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