Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
