Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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