Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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