My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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