Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
