There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
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I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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