Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
