so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
