ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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