fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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