He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
