My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
