I accidentally burped into my bong.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
