Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
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I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
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You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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