You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
