New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
