I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
