My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so explain again why im purple
no
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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