Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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