I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
