it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
