at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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