He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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