got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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