who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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